Reflections: Death, Longing, and Allure

An Absurd Introduction

Disclaimer: This is different from my previous blogs and will be a glimpse into the circus of my mind. I hope this inspires you to challenge the bedrock of your reality. To face the Dayside, to experience the Nightside, and to find yourself immersed in the Twilight of your experience.

My identity is fluid. It is as stable as water, ever changing from liquid to ice to steam. If there is one thing I am consistent with it is inconsistency but based around a few simple guidelines from the philosophies of Nihilism and Absurdism - there is no inherent meaning and my choices have consequences. If there is no inherent meaning that means my life has no inherent purpose. If my life has no inherent purpose then I get to choose what gives my life meaning and purpose. 

I am Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill. I am Atlas holding the World on my Shoulders. As I look down deep in despair, I am Narcissus in love with my own image. From this water springs forth Aphrodite and her attendant Pothos, for I ever Long for such untamed beauty and pure love. Now I am back again as Sisyphus.

The Vitality of Death

We can think all we want about the possibility of life after death, the unproven faith in deity and the subjectivity of belief. None of those are real the same way the body is. You cannot ever know what happens after death until you die. There is no proof for or against the divine because it is a subjective reality and not an absolute or objective truth. Believe what you will, but understand that is your belief and should never be expected to be upheld by anyone but you despite your conviction to the contrary. I understand that my conviction in saying so is my conviction but it is one that saved me from spiritual bypassing (using spirituality to deny or avoid harmful emotional or psychological issues).

Because I know my body is finite and as far as I can conceptualize consciousness–my personal consciousness–mine will die with this body. What is Spirit, then? The immortal factor of each being? I don’t know. This is why I put so much importance on what I do know–I am a finite being in a finite world so I will strive to live my life and express myself honestly. Therein lies the veil of perception between what is finite and what is infinite, because as far as I know everything but Death is finite. What is Death but time reimagined in black cloaks and momenti mori? Maybe Spirit is nothing more than the embodiment of mystery.

“More Human than a Human”

I am nothing more than a simple human. I have no ancient bloodline or supernatural powers and anyone that claims otherwise is either telling a tall tale to sell themselves to you or mentally unstable, both of which should be avoided for your own well being. Many of us work toward making our community a safe haven for the many identities and experiences of the Vampyre subculture, but there will always be the small cesspools of human disgust that seek power from others for cruel or unspeakable things, but I digress.

I am not Otherkin but I often feel more than human. I often feel human adjacent or even sub-human because it simply is not normal to crave human vitality. It is very much human to crave attention and touch, but it is something different when that craving is not bound by emotional bonds but rather a desire to absorb their being through exsanguination or energy draining.

Nuance of Longing

There are nuances to what defines me as a Vampyre. In the modern Vampyre Community the Need, the Cravings–the innate drive to Feed on human sustenance–is how we often understand the modern concept of the Vampyre, but that is only the surface of how deep this well goes.

I mentioned Sisyphus and Pothos in the beginning of this article because they give me validation to the never ending struggle of Vampyric Hunger and this insatiable Need. Sisyphus reaches the top after ages of hard work only for the boulder to fall back down and he must begin from the bottom of the hill. Similar to how Pothos attends to the Lovely Aphrodite but will never know her touch, just her voice and presence. No matter how many times I feed I will always crave more. No matter how satisfying the feed, the ache returns again and again. Like Prometheus, there is no end to this gut wrenching suffering, the Longing for Liberation.

Allure of the Vampyre

I don’t choose this Longing, I choose to embody it in archetypes of eternally dying and returning gods and their mytho-poetic narratives of hidden sorcery. I choose to be empowered by the dark corners of my mind, the shadows of my past, and the faint glow of an unknown future. Vampyrism isn’t just an identity for me it is a philosophy rooted in the uncharted territories of “mad” science, the raw emotion of art, and my potential to create the life I want. 

The Allure of the Vampyre, our seduction and glamour, isn’t just in how we dress or even feed, it’s how we absorb experience itself and interrupt space that creates a curiosity to outsiders. If we play the part people will often play with us whether it is subtle through body language and flirtation or fashion and suggestion. For some of us it is natural for others it is trained, but it is why the Vampyre never really dies.

The Final Nail in the Coffin

Death is my inspiration to live. I have faced many trials and tribulations and a few got me close to death. I fear Death. I am not afraid to say this so openly because with that fear comes respect for its immensity. None of us know how we will die or when we will die. We can go one of several ways with this fear; we can try to defeat it through longevity practices, we can hide away in a distant place where no harm can befall us (which in itself is a tomb), or we can face each day with passion.

We only live once in this body we have now. The eyes you are reading this with, the brain that is translating these glyphs to meaning, and the heart that is pumping blood to your arteries and oxygen to your brain. Your sensations of comfort and anguish, of safety and anxiety, of love and loss, are all contained within this body. This body is finite, a future corpse we will inevitably lose to time. This realization we will all someday die is our tether to reality. A cold hard truth from the cadaver of realization.

Use this body, this time, as a reminder to live an enchanted life, evoking a timeless aura. From folklore to the modern era, the Vampyre is not fearless, they are a mastermind, they are not treacherous, they are anti-heroes true to their nature. When the Hunger, the Longing, and the instinctual drive takes hold, take a breath, be in stillness, and remember you are in charge of this narrative.