“Am I a Vampyre?” and Other Perfectly Normal Philosophical Musings

It’s the oldest question known to mankind. Perhaps the only question that’s ever existed, or the only one that’s ever truly mattered. The thing that all other questions are born out of. “Who am I?” Doctor. Mother. Friend. Lover. Artist. Survivor. Activist. Brother. From these, we define ourselves. We wind our stories around one-another and within our own minds of what we are and what matters to us. In many ways these are stories. They may also be true–these two things can coexist. But they are themselves interpretations; estimates we’ve made of our own character built from the sum of our experiences. The mind doing its very best to make sense of its own chaos. Then, every once in a very long while, someone or something comes along that makes us question the very foundation of this story. We are thrown into chaos. In these times it feels as if the entire world has gone topsy-turvy, and indeed it has, because what can we know if we cannot know ourselves? I could summarize the feeling by presenting the title of a scene in a script I wrote some years ago. E4SC3 -- "Who am I? Am I sure I want to know?"

But allow me to wave away some of my own mystique for a moment. This title was given to a scene in a Spider-Man fan-fiction I wrote in university. The title itself is actually a play on the very first line in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man (2002). “Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody told you it was a happy little tale–if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world–somebody lied.” -Peter Parker

Perhaps now I can look back on this and weave it into my own story, which has changed greatly. I can present it as if it were some great epiphany, just out of reach at the time of writing. Something deep and profound. But at the time, I just thought the play on the line was clever and fun. These two things can coexist. At the time I wrote this, I was less than a year out from realizing my own trans identity. All of those gears turning, all of that introspection–questions of identity, confusion, uncertainty, purpose and triumph–all bled into the work, and through that process I discovered a truth about myself. The story changed, the lens I viewed it in was refocused, and suddenly very basic things about myself, my history, and my relationship to my art seemed radically different. You may wonder why I’ve spent the first 500-or-so words of this talking about Spider-Man and transness without once writing the word Vampyre. That is because, in my experience, all of these things are very much alike. The questions, “Am I a Vampyre?” “Am I transgender?” “Am I gay?” “Am I neurodivergent?” are all deeply existential. Sure, for some of these labels you could turn to material things for validation. A diagnosis or a set of clear experiences that society lumps under an identity might act as “proof.” But, more often than not in my experience, no amount of proof can circumvent the Herculean task that is reaching acceptance. At the end of the day, regardless of what the “truth” might be, you still have to amend your self image. You still have to change the story. That process is often terrifying. Ego death, as many would call it. The loss of something so core, so foundational, that the mind cannot help but be terrified. It’s a popular term from psychology, brought into public consciousness by the likes of William James and Carl Jung in the 19th century (Wikipedia, 2026). It’s also a recurrent theme in mythology, described by Joseph Campbell as a time of “self-surrender and transition,” in his work on the Hero’s Journey (Wikipedia). It is psychology. It is story. These two things can coexist. In the introduction to the 2004 Edition of The Hero With a Thousand Faces (the work in which the Hero’s Journey was popularized), Mexican-American author and Jungian psychoanalyst Clarissa Pinkola Estés wrote the following: “Whether an individual is at the very beginning of life's inquiry, or in the deadly middle struggle between ego and higher self, or near the lighted terminus where the soul is more finely seen and embraced—Campbell was interested in providing substance for the long journey ahead.” Here Estés blurs the line between Campbell’s work and the fundamental nature of our lives (if ever such a line existed). We see the self in the lens of the Hero’s Journey–something that constantly eludes us. Beginning in a state blissfully unaware of the journey ahead, we possess a great deal of assumptions about the world and our place in it. At some point, inevitably, we receive our Call to Adventure. This introduces another of life’s struggles, and it is something we no doubt will resist. This is the ego struggling with the higher self, the mind speechless at the sight of the soul. It’s tempting to turn back to our picturesque life at the beginning of our story, where even if our assumptions were wrong, they at least felt safe. But this is impossible. We have Crossed the Threshold and entered into a new, undiscovered country, where the only course of action is to continue on the road that seems intent to break us to pieces. It is terrifying as much as it is profoundly necessary, because at the end of this road lies a glimpse at the soul, however fleeting it might be. At the end of this road is a truer understanding of ourselves. “Am I a Vampyre?” is not a question that can be answered by reading an article. It’s not a question that can be answered by asking a member of the community. It can’t even, really, be answered purely by the source of any symptoms you might feel or by a measure of how you experience your need. It can be true that you are a Vampyre and that you have an untreated chronic illness. It can be true that you are not a Vampyre and that you practice a form of energy magic or aesthetic ritual that involves the intake of human vitals. You may even embark on this journey more than once, finding that your assumptions about the nature of your own vampyrism are misguided, and time and again bringing that glimpse of your soul more into focus. The only way to know is to walk the path. To ask that age-old question and be open to receiving your answer. To leave the safety of your assumptions and heed the Call to Adventure, knowing full well that to do so involves the treachery of that middle struggle between the ego and the higher self. To read, learn, and introspect until at last your journey reaches the point where you see that clarity, and the story of yourself is forever altered. These are all very philosophical musings, and I don’t blame anyone reading this for thinking it’s all a bit much. I’ve spoken with many people who possess a far more compact account of themselves and of how they arrived at it. Having known many people in this community, however; I think that is far less common among Vampyres, perhaps due to the outlandishness of this identity in the minds of “normal” society. I imagine that you, the questioning reader, are at least slightly open to challenging your beliefs in this manner if indeed you think you may be a Vampyre. To you, then, I’ll leave this quote: “Man is that alien presence with whom the forces of egoism must come to terms, through whom the ego is to be crucified and resurrected, and in whose image society is to be reformed. Man, understood however not as "I" but as "Thou": for the ideals and temporal institutions of no tribe, race, continent, social class, or century, can be the measure of the inexhaustible and multifariously wonderful divine existence that is the life in all of us.” Joseph Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, 1949. Never stop learning. Never stop growing. Never stop asking yourself who you are. And never, ever, be too proud or too afraid to be proven wrong. REFERENCES: Cambell, J., & Estés, C. P. (2004). The Hero With a Thousand Faces (2004 Edition). Princeton University Press. Wikimedia Foundation. (2026, February 1). Ego death. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_death#:~:text=In%20death%20and%20rebirth%20mythology,st rands%20of%20contemporary%20western%20thinking. FURTHER RECOMMENDED READING/VIEWING: “Belief is a Toolbox: Walking the Line of Vampyric Reality and Fantasy,” by Luna_Sy: https://www.projectvampyre.org/post/belief-is-a-toolbox-walking-the-line-of-vampyric-reality-andfantasy “Can You Become a Vampyre?” by Aversion and Craving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9WkuXpRL7g “Fangs and Facades: The Identity Struggles Within the Vampyre Subculture,” by Nova Nacht: https://www.projectvampyre.org/post/fangs-and-facades-the-identity-struggles-within-the-vampyr e-subculture

“Questioning and Awakening,” by Project V: https://www.projectvampyre.org/am-i-a-vampyre “Vampyre Spaces: High Society or Goth Cosplay” by Luna_Sy: https://www.projectvampyre.org/post/vampyre-spaces-high-society-or-goth-cosplay